It’s been a while since I blogged. I should apologise to anyone that has been coming here for updates, (does anyone actually do that?) especially as I’ve stayed true to my word and not been saying anything about my health via social media. Doing that has been quite cathartic, not in a way that has made things get any better (I’ll get to that) but in that I just talk about “normal” things or chip in with comments as and when I feel. I will apologise also though that when people ask the question I completely ignore it. Ignorance isn’t attractive I know, but I’m just aware that if I start that conversation it leads to other questions from other people and often some triggering statements. It’s just better not to ask. As and when I’ll use the blog to update. I’m calling this the birthday blog, I’ll get to that shortly, but let’s deal with the health first.
As I said in my previous blog there was a threat that I was going to be delivered an ultimatum by the eating disorders service. The ultimatum was that I would be offered day treatment therapy (check back for what that entails and my history with it) or a “therapeutic break.” That break was just fancy talk for a withdrawal of support for the time being. That was duly delivered a couple of weeks ago and I’m afraid to say that I am now without any eating disorders care. What I find hardest about this is that I had sunk back to my lowest weight at any point since I was diagnosed with anorexia at that meeting, and since it I have continued to drop weight as the illness continues to take an ever more severe strangle hold. You would think the case for inpatient treatment was at it’s most strong, but the “blueprint” seems set in stone. It’s almost like the service believes we are all cast in the same mould, we are all suffering the same symptoms and therefore will all be responsive to the same treatment. That’s as narrow minded and short sighted as some of the government policies on mental health funding and policy itself! You would hope you could rely on the professionals to get it right, but sadly it doesn’t appear so. I don’t know what will happen, and to be honest I am so bad at the moment that even fear doesn’t come into play. Am I afraid that I might die? No, it’s one of those consequences that I just have to potentially accept. I hope it doesn’t happen of course, I’d rather somebody step in and provide an answer that sees me get the treatment I was ready to engage in – inpatient treatment with therapy and support around meal times in the right environment – but without that I just have to live my “groundhog day” and see each day as it is.
I’m weak, I don’t look great and every day is hard. I still have a CPN but we’re working more on my social skills & interaction than anything else (more on that soon). Mum checks on me daily which is good. I’m still not seeing many of my old friends although I occasionally get a visit from people out of the blue – and I really do mean occasionally. I love it when that happens, I must say that before I say anything else. It’s ok though, I find the past hard because I realise it’s gone, it’s not who I can be now. I’ve talked about that before. As for fighting anorexia, I just can’t do it on my own, it’s as simple as that. I’m too weak, too frail and too cowed by it. I need help, and that’s been taken away. Thanks for that Gloucestershire Eating Disorders Service. Someone did try and intervene a couple of weeks ago but it was a little bit too out of control and dramatic and was met with the fire of both my anorexia and Asperger’s. Control is needed, not a haphazard approach. Anyway, there we are. Not good.
Onto some positive stuff. On the social side I made a decision, with my CPN, to go back to one thing I love. Football. I spoke to Wolves and they kindly agreed to sell me a disabled season ticket for which I qualified. Now, it won’t always be possible both from a physical and mental perspective for me to go, but I am as determined as I can be to get to as many home games as I can this season. I’ve already been to the first home game and it was tough, but I was proud of myself for doing it. The hard part was definitely the crowds, not least exiting the ground and feeling “hemmed in.” It’ll take some getting used to, not that I’m sure I ever will. The sheer number of people will always freak me out. I do find it easier not knowing people though, not having links. Strange, but I like the anonymity of things. Again, as when I get lost in music, when I focus on the game itself I am happy. Wolves, football, I just love it. And we won, as we seem to do regularly now. I like this, a lot!!
Speaking of Wolves, I’m using Twitter a lot lately, more so than Facebook which I can’t stand if truth be told. I use Twitter mostly to keep up with the football and follow the accounts of both Tim Spiers and Nathan Judah, two journalists from the Express & Star in Wolverhampton. They write primarily about Wolves (exclusively in Tim’s case). They’re exceptional journalists, delivering their content in a refreshing and vibrant style that I absolute relish reading. Their podcasts are hilarious, entertaining & informative and their Twitter banter is the stuff of legend! Twitter has really become a bit of a lifeline for me, especially in the daytime when I feel so trapped. I’ve got to say to the lads, apologies if I seem to pop up a lot, I don’t want to ever appear annoying. I hope this explains why I do seem to comment, etc. so much. But know that I really do appreciate your kindness and really do love what you do. Here’s to a great season and hope to meet you both in the flesh some time soon…oh and Tim, don’t mute me, haha!!
It’s my birthday this week, not that I really have much to celebrate. I find my birthday hard, and I really will this year. I’m still grieving the loss of my grandad, other things have happened in my personal life that I really don’t discuss publicly, and of course there’s my illness. I’m hopefully buying a new car this week so I might just go for a drive and escape for the day, strength permitting. And, of course, on Saturday I’m going to Wolves. 3 points v Cardiff would be just the present I would love. If you could oblige Wolverhampton Wanderers that would be great.