Well, this is slightly scary!! Oh, wait…I should say hello first right?? Hello world – welcome to my blog!! I wasn’t sure whether I should do this or not, for reasons I will go into as I crack on, but I hope that it will prove to be insightful and, if at all possible, helpful to people. If you want to know more about me “the person” then check out the About Me section and if you want to get in touch then please feel free to use the Contact form.
So first an explanation of the name…Conflict-ED. It’s definitely a case of duality of meaning. Taking the first, the word ‘conflicted’. I guess it’s fair to say this is a state of being that I feel most of my days, conflicted by how I want to be versus how I actually am. You see, logic is there, it exists as a constant yet is overpowered by the illness at all times. Anorexia is unrelenting as things stand and as they have stood for well over 18 months now. I can have mindful conversations with myself all the time, knowing full well that certain actions are wholly wrong and that in order to get well I need to stop them. But that’s never how it goes. I still restrict, I still walk too far or do any number of the things people with anorexia do (I’m conscious of saying too many triggering things so apologies if, at times, I’m sketchy with details). Anorexia convinces me that if numbers on scales are falling or static all is well with the world, but anything else and I’m out of control. I’m conflicted because I want parts of the life I had before. I want the gigs, I want the friends, I want the football, I want the sociality. I don’t want this. But it wants me…
The other meaning. Conflict ED. I guess I’ve almost said it in the first. I am in conflict with my eating disorder day to day, only it keeps winning. There isn’t a day when it doesn’t win yet, as tiring as it is, there isn’t a day when I don’t hope that I find a way to gain some kind of control over it. At the end of the day, as much as it tries to convince me otherwise, who would ever really want to live this way? The untold story (at the moment) is that I wasn’t always this way (obviously) but was, in fact, completely the reverse. I used to be huge. I won’t talk figures but I was classed as morbidly obese, so much so that the word “morbid” very nearly had the greatest meaning following a massive heart attack. Surviving that probably made me think I was invincible or something because at times I think that I can carry on in the state I’m in now and that I’ll be ok. Logic (there’s that word again) tells me that it’s not the case, but anorexia often convinces me that I’m doing just fine. That conflict between logic and my eating disorder is non stop. You might be reading this and relating to it and not yet have sought any kind of help. Did you know that the best chance of recovery is early intervention? Talk to someone…now.
So why wasn’t I sure about doing this blog? Well, most of the blogs I read are from people in recovery or who are fully recovered. I am very aware of the fact that I am not even close to be on any kind of pathway to recovery. The illness has me firmly in its grip. I worry that I might say things that are triggering to people, and if I do I apologise in advance, that would never be my intent. My intent, as it will always be, is to raise awareness, to educate those who find it hard to understand, to show that if a 42 year old man can suffer anyone can and to encourage anyone that can relate to any of it that haven’t already got help to do so as quickly as they can. I‘d posed the question on social media as to whether I should and the feedback was positive so, here I am. Hopefully my journey will become more positive as time goes by.
I won’t only blog about my struggles with my eating disorder. I also struggle with anxiety and have been under the care of local mental health services for a while. I’ve had screening recently that suggest I have different personality disorders and possibly Asperger’s. These things complicate matters further – but hey, I can never say my life is dull! You’ll have to excuse my sense of humour at times…but it’s the best way I can keep myself from slipping too far.
I’m going to leave this as my first blog there. Over coming blogs I’ll tell of how I slipped into this illness, how far back I believe it began and what events made matters worse. I hope those blogs will be the ones that stop others potentially heading down this horrible, dark, miserable pathway. I hate that anyone else suffers, I hate the idea just as much that anyone else is going to. Again, if you are reading this at any point and relate to any of it please, speak to a GP, a parent, a friend, visit www.b-eat.co.uk and reach out for help. Don’t let anorexia in…it’s a shit.