Since I last blogged I’ve done a lot of thinking. This is what happens when you suddenly realise you’ve only yourself to rely on if you’re to get any control over your eating disorder. The obvious question has been going over and over in my head. How? No more why’s, what’s the point of that now. How am I going to get control of something so powerful, so domineering, so controlling? The answer came to me whilst baking a new recipe, a recipe that came from nowhere, as they often do.
As I’ve alluded to previously I have a keen passion for baking and it’s not going away. If anything it’s only getting more intense and the creativity side, actually coming up with unique recipes and my own versions of already established ones, is becoming more prevalent. The thing is, every time I bake something I’m giving it away, obviously without trying any of it. I’ve been hanging out for help, waiting for the day when things might be easier. I can’t do that any longer and if I wait for things to get easier I’ll be waiting forever. I have to do this myself. To explain I will paste in a segment of the book I have now begun to write:
“The point of this task is simple. I’ve already alluded to the fact that these foods that I produce are my “trigger” foods. Foods that are sugary or high in carbohydrates. These are foods I can’t eat, foods that my eating disorder absolutely forbids me from eating. If I am to battle this illness I need to reconnect with these foods. Be under no illusion, this will NOT be easy. There will be tears, there will be massive inner turmoil. There will be days when I have to take a step back but I am determined to do this, to get this book done. By doing so, by showing myself, the true me, that I CAN eat 100 different things I can constantly have a point of reference to show that vile inner voice, the one that lies to me constantly yet seems so convincing, that nothing bad will happen. At the end of each recipe and accompanying picture I’ll just write a paragraph describing the feeling of having eaten whatever it is I’ve made, even if it’s hard. This is a journey; I want to share it with you. I might not beat anorexia, but I am damn well going to try and control it and in doing so I’m going to create a storm in the kitchen, create some amazing recipes and share them with the world. Shall we do this together? Yes? Let’s do this!!”
So that’s the idea. A recipe book, only with a massive twist. It’ll be a journey, a journey where I learn to reconnect with food. I’m realistic, I’m not expecting to beat anorexia, but I hope to at very least learn to enjoy what I can, at best learn to control my eating disorder. Both scenarios would give me some enjoyment of life back to a greater or lesser degree. It may not work, I have no idea. It may just give rise to a banger of a recipe book and the tale of someone who was at least willing to try, or it might show some progress where there’s been none so far.
I’m going to need encouragement, but not too much, that could railroad things. Eating disorders don’t like too much in the way of congratulatory evidence, strange as that sounds. I will admit that I’ve already done two recipes and tried them. I span out both times, but hey, I ate two things I haven’t eaten in over 2 years. You’ve read it, say nothing, I’ll just take it you’re glad about it and we’ll leave it at that 😉 However, words to press on with the actual writing and sharing pics of end result recipes? Crack on with that please! Oh, and any exposure from people who can do that kind of thing, that would be welcome. I am going to want someone to publish this thing when I’m done so any exposure would be good. What exposure also does is keep me from quitting when the going, inevitably, gets hard. This is me taking ownership of my own recovery chances. I have to do this. This is my journey, it starts here.
By the way, the book is called: The Battling Baker.